Tonight's lottery is for an assload of money. Don't quote me, but I think it's something like $860 billion. I might be mistaking the amount for that new stimulus package, I'm not sure. But I'll tell you one thing: the thought of winning enough money to do whatever the hell I want, certainly stimulates my package. I literally have a giant surplus in my pants just pondering the notion of all that bank!
I thought about posting all the things that I would do if I won millions, but I'm sure it's pretty much what everyone else would do... quit the job, throw a party, take a vacation, buy a monkey, take the monkey on vacation. Instead, I'd like to point out a few reasons why I think I have a real good shot at cashing in on the dream tonight. For instance:
-- A bunch of guys in the office chipped in to buy tickets. According to my research, 40% of all lottery winners are a bunch of office guys. Math, bitches!!
(Interestingly, another 40% of lottery winners live in states that begin in a vowel: Ohio, Indiana, Idaho, etc... A bunch of office guys from Oregon could really f$*k us here.
-- We went quick pick. We let a computer decide our fate. That is such a better strategy than using your kids' birthdays combined with your favorite number or baseball player uniform. Whenever I see someone standing by the ledge of some card store, erasing and toiling over the numbers like it was the SAT, I say to myself, 'no f&*king way are you winning.'
-- The numbers were purchased at a run-down, local card shop. Lady Luck hangs out in those places like a retiree who knows the owner, so he'll just lean on the counter and talk to him all day.
-- God owes me one. I'm sure He knows what I'm talking about.
So, there it is.
Science, bitches!!
This could very well be my last post as a poor person. Will all that money change me? No, I don't think it will. Will it change the people around me? Probably. But they'll never see me again, anyway.
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